At best chaotic and messy, holding one's deepest intentions while learning to trust and relax deeply with the vulnerability of not knowing conceptually is an ever-present opportunity for deepening both Dharma and art practices.
October 2019 - January 2020
I am as interested in process as in product because I have observed that engaging mindfully with my own creative process not only brings me great joy, but it also helps my awareness practice.
As with everyday life, the spiritual and creative processes are never linear, neat or tidy. While conceptual mind manufactures well-controlled plans and proposals, the creative and spiritual dimensions wisely refuse to co-operate with such limited thinking. My own mind works mainly in an intuitive, lateral way, allowing creative and spiritual processes to evolve organically and open-endedly rather than with a tightly held goal of a preordained outcome. Deadlines and deliverables are still fulfilled, but during fluid, creative phases, intentions are gently held in the back of the mind; conceptual plans can only be a sowing of intention held while the seed germinates into a flower in the fullness of time.
Challenges of transition to full-time practice
I had forgotten about the challenges of transitions. For years, engaging in sporadic flurries of creative activity in between teaching and running a household had felt increasingly unsatisfying and frustrating, and at 67 mortality began to feel real. I could not really develop creative practice to any depth. Receiving funding from the kind generosity of MOFSA opened the door to exploring ways of taking full-time Dharma and art practices to another level and I eagerly anticipated commencing the project in October 2019.
A rude awakening from my fantasy of meditating and swanning into my studio to create inspired art works commenced with an intense conceptual and emotional roller-coaster as I struggled for the first three months of this project to transform old, conditioned, conceptual and emotional patterns into a vibrant, authentic, honest Dharma and art practice.
I became paralysed creatively by the magnitude of sorting through 40 years' of artwork, coping with changing relationships in many areas, deconstructing art college and art world conditioning. Identifying and questioning labels and story-lines about my conditioned identities, including as an artist and how I relate to the contemporary art scene, all triggered fears of failure and self-doubt, resulting in a full-blown creative block.
"How am I going to create a strong body of work that can benefit others? Who am I to think I am capable of this? What are people who are supporting this project going to say if I fail? Does anybody actually care what I do? Nobody in the current art scene cares about this......."
And on and on and on...... How was I to work with this?
"Obviously, if I am committed to integrating Dharma and creative practices, then this creative block can be a support for awareness practice. I can work with it as meditation-in-action."
Although I had years of experience working with my mindful creativity coaching clients undergoing turbulent transitions, blocks and resistances, recognising and accepting this was actually happening to me (whatever that was) took time to become aware of, accept and assimilate. Getting lost in anxiety about losing my way was also an invitation to deepen my meditation training. In the meantime I gave my monkey mind some practical 'grunt' jobs: sorting old work into large folders, clearing and dedicating rooms - away from studio mess - for curating and reflecting on work, establishing a daily practice of drawing, journalling and some painting.
In this liminal chaos, I can only try to surf the turbulence with awareness, in this way sustaining Dharma practice. My art practice has to be Dharma practice. Not about Dharma, or theorising Dharma, but on-the-front, in-the-trenches Dharma...
Mentoring
Mentoring sessions with long term Dharma friend, colleague and PhD graduate Pema Clark in November and December enabled me to get a wider view and clarify what was happening. Hugely relieved, empowered and encouraged when Pema observed that I seemed to be in exactly the right place for this early stage of the project, I was able to see that Storylines would be the primary focus informing the Excavations project.
Impact
Re-orientation
Traversing these initial challenges was definitely a necessary stage, a bridge transitioning from old ways, re-orientating to new ways both spiritually and creatively by working on the causes and conditions for this to happen.
I have observed in both myself and in mindful creativity coaching clients how transition often begins with destruction or dissolution of the old, leading into a period of limbo, chaos and confusion which can feel as if one is dying, followed by birth into the new. In many countries, we experience changeable, stormy, turbulent transitions between the seasons. In this instance, my own mind weather felt like annihilation or death because everything I had identified with as an artist was collapsing, but new ways had not yet emerged. Yet this was also a wonderful opportunity to continue learning to rest in pure awareness, as that is unchanging.
Process as Practice
I became aware I did not want the PROCESS of making to arise from a conceptual contrivance driven by ego. Relaxing into this process is a practice in itself, which can be challenging if there is resistance without a supporting awareness practice. For Excavations, this process seems to be manifesting as Storylines.
All experience as opportunity for practice recognising ego-grasping
Interestingly, two everyday challenges also became opportunities for spiritual practice. In November my car being written off by a third party curtailed running around in a driven (literally) way, leaving me confined alone in my rural home and studio. A month later, acute bronchitis on antibiotics and steroids with doctor's orders to rest for 3 weeks flattened me to a full stop. Feeling extremely ill, I slowly re-read the new book by my teacher Mingyur Rinpoche, In Love with the World: What a Buddhist Monk Can Teach You About Living from Nearly Dying, which felt like a highly relevant, personal teaching in which Rinpoche describes the psychological, spiritual and physical challenges he experienced coming to terms with the first three weeks of a four and a half year wandering yogi retreat in India and Nepal.
Absorbing Rinpoche's inspiration to practise recognising awareness in the midst of illness and psychological challenges was a reminder to focus more deeply on awareness of ego-grasping, including how I grasp at a ‘self’ to self-doubt, and how this impacts on my everyday life generally and creative practice in particular. This helped me begin trusting the process of letting go and relaxing into a steady discipline creating in an open, playful, authentic and joyous way with gentleness, awareness and accepting the vulnerability of not-knowing.
The project now feels like it is coming together. These past 3 months have been a much-needed breathing space dissolving musty confines of stagnant, habitual thinking and psychologically, spiritually and creatively stepping outside into fresh air. Why did it take three months? Stubbornness, resistance, confusion and clinging to old mindsets. I needed time to recognise deep-seated old habits, and to process turbulent feelings and resistances associated with letting go, such as fear of failure, ego grasping at my conditioned identity as a contemporary artist. I also needed to clarify how I would engage with the Awakening Through Creativity projects. I feel the way is now clear for working on Storylines as my first project.
Freshness. Openness, Joy. Playfulness. Simplicity. Being. Spontaneity. Naturalness. Authenticity. Gentleness. Awareness. Presence. Acceptance. No boundary. Love. Perseverance. Intuitive. Not-knowing.
February 2020
Sorting Studio
Tension and Relaxation
Patience
Letting Go
On Writing
How working with Story Lines is affecting me
Writing as an awareness practice
March 2020: Coronavirus: enter the wild card
Personal response
Initially I tried 'business as usual' when the coronavirus pandemic hit the charts in March 2020. But as artists are like sponges, it was not possible to be this dissociated from the suffering around me and the impact of self isolation as an older person prone to chest infections. Adjusting both psychologically and in a practical way took a month.
Needing funds to pay for help in the house, garden and physiotherapy to release time and energy for continuing this project, I spent another two weeks applying for an Arts Council England Emergency Response Grant. This was successful, so I can now continue this project with the proviso that I also spend time thinking and planning for sustainable ways forward with my art practice. I have found a gardener and physiotherapist, but finding a cleaner is more challenging.
Impact of pandemic on art and meditation practice
Initially maintaining presence, awareness and compassion for both myself and others while in the eye of the storm was an exhausting, tiring, rollercoaster. Looking back ten weeks later, I am aware there are both negative and positive aspects in my own experience of this pandemic, much of which can feed art and meditation practice and this project. These include:
Positive
My spiritual teacher Mingyur Rinpoche has been giving weekly teachings online, drawing thousands of viewers. This has been an inspiring, stabilising blessing.
I live in semi-retreat anyway, but as much of the world has been doing this, I have felt more part of what is going on. More social interaction than usual as we all Zoom. Getting into organic veggie growing as mindful exercise and interaction with nature. More contact with neighbours as we support each other: they deliver my food, I give them veggie plants. Still no car, can't afford it, do I really need one?
Pollution has plummeted, benefiting the environment
Fewer wars, more peaceful
Negative or positive? A spiritual and art practice opportunity?
Navigating notions of negative (ie aversion) and positive (grasping) or neutral (sometimes confusion) are core practices in Tibetan Buddhism. Everything is an opportunity for spiritual practice; it's not about sitting on the cushion blissing out. I became aware of how the this intense situation unearthed turbulent mind weather of my repressed ond unconscious story lines, identified with as not just beliefs, but solidified as facts causing suffering. While not pleasant, it would have taken a long time in ordinary retreat to become aware of these internal dynamics.
Coronavirus Diary as part of Story Lines project
Meaty stuff, scary yet workable with. How? I realised this was a wonderful opportunity for the Storylines project, as it could now be situated within the framework or context of the pandemic, giving it an added, very tangible dimension.
How to do this? Awareness/emptiness/compassion practices. I began to feel a daily diary would be a good starting point, but didn't want it to be a self-absorbed toxic outpouring. It had to be bigger than that. This led to a more socially engaged Coronavirus Diary collaboration with Geraldine deLuca, which is still ongoing.
Developing and presenting Coronavirus Diary
To see the actual Coronavirus Diary images please go to https://alexanderzangmo.wixsite.com/awakening-creativity/post/coronavirus-diary
Reflection
The diary itself has images that are made taking 5 minutes each, so they are not sustained works individually. They are more like snapshots in time accumulating as a process of two individuals over a period of time.
It can be presented 'as is', in various formats including: 1.A hard copy book 2. Online gallery 3. Video montage
Of interest here is observing and engaging with the sustained process of two individuals over a period of time.
Also there are many 'sketchy' images and ideas within the diary ripe for developing into wall-hung pieces.
Meta-Reflection on development of project
Coronavirus Diary will develop over several months parallel with the other projects. Development of Story Lines, What Remains and Here-Not-Here I now see as non-linear. They will develop concurrently, in a lateral, rather than linear, way.
Beginning to edit Lockdown Diary for developing into book form
29th June 2020
Discussion 1 with Geri
Agenda
How can we progress editing images and content to create an engaging and meaningful book for an informed audience of Buddhists, artists, spiritual seekers, educators, therapists, and interested lay public, ready for printing by 31st July? Self publishing initially? Or not?
Editing Options (based on ‘Handbook of Arts-Based Research’ by Leary, and ‘Poetic Inquiry’ by Faulkner) As this is a creative and dharma dialogue between two women Dharma practitioners expressing and sharing experience of lockdown, how can we retain this dialogue process, including being informed by a dharma and lockdown context, as we edit to create a book? What other contexts do you feel are necessary?
Possible dialogue options:
Poetic inquiry
Using collage to combine 2 images, one Geri’s, one Zangmo’s. Responding in relationship
Creative writing with or without image reflecting on how doing this diary in lockdown has helped our dharma practice
Creative writing with or without image reflecting on how doing this diary during lockdown has helped us grow personally
Meta-reflection (may include 3 and 4 above): 1000 words creative writing/create a new image/text piece summarising whole experience emotionally, cognitively in personal Dharma context