Geri: More and more of my life during this time has become attuned to the way Buddhists see the world. I listen to talks every day while walking or falling (or not falling) asleep.

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Zangmo: Geri and I are so different in the way that she is family and relationship oriented, while I am more introverted and live on my own in semi-retreat now. I am aware that I did not learn much about healthy relating from my dysfunctional family, having grown up in a symbiotic relationship with a narcissistic, manipulative mother and a disjointed relationship with my absent father.

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To observe and connect with Geri's love, compassion, open-heartedness and family orientation opened my own heart to the possibility that maybe I could find a way to be connected compassionately and kindly with myself and relate to others in an open, honest and caring way while being myself. This was a huge transition from my previous default mode of either being myself but alone, or connecting with others but feeling disconnected from myself. I have begun learn being aware of whatever I am experiencing and include my experience of others and response to them, within this awareness. So it is not an either/or situation.

Zangmo: This framework is extremely helpful for simplifying art and dharma. It is unpretentious, simple and frees the mind from 'trying to do good art'. As a result it is much easier to be direct and spontaneous.

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Working fast gives expression from nowhere, nothingness, or the unconscious. As there is not enough time for concepts to kick in, the images/text emerge from a different level.

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Zangmo: Not commenting on each other's work avoids competitiveness and ego-grasping while inviting acceptance and compassion

Geri: This vision is infinitely soothing to me. I feel grateful to open my heart to it. And that enters my diary, especially since I’m sharing with Zangmo, who is a Buddhist.

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Geri: This practice also makes me feel so privileged. My life feels so rich. I have paper, pens, paint, a space to work. How fortunate I am. Most people in the world couldn’t even begin to imagine the luxury of this.

I am grateful for this diary which grounds my day in such a simple way—which is also so complex—gives me a sense of connection to the world, reminds me of the blessings.

Zangmo: A process is emerging: in my own work I began by picturing storylines, the stuff of pain, dukka or suffering, and this will continue. Interwoven with this is emergence of spaciousness and letting go.

While these themes run through all my work in general, using this framework allows for a narrative, time-based process to emerge which is different from video or book making.

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Geri: Often I find myself judging what I do. Judgment is deep in my bones, and I’m trying to let it go. But it’s hard. The practice is valuable in making me aware of the judgments. It can lead me to ask questions: what if someone else drew that? Would I like/dislike it? Respect it? (AAAGH! You see how difficult this is.) But this is “what’s up” with me now, so I try to have compassion, affection for myself. Just keep letting go. Change is slow but ongoing.

Zangmo: Sharing with a collaborator gives meaning and purpose

Zangmo: 

It reveals

The unexpected

un known

not known

becomes recognised

known

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Today I made a right mess

chaos I could not

resolve into 

order

knife edge of discomfort

difficult

this mess not resolved

into what?

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Sitting on the edge of uncertainty

discomfort

difficult

not here

not there

trying something

it is not working

i think

on the edge

of chaos

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Making friends with Yuk

like loving

an old, smelly, alcoholic

tramp

Zangmo: I am able to give voice to confusing, painful feelings, which helps bring understanding and acceptance to experience

A series of images expressing process and embracing change over time helps me accept and let be

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Geri: I tend to keep fear at bay. Oh, fear. Okay. I am feeling fear. Most everyone is. Some days it can be very big. How is everyone doing this morning? Life is fragile and precious. Zangmo hurts her hand. A friend cracks her pelvis. So many people die. 

Geri: The writing Is easier. I notice the up and down-ness of each day. Maybe I’m tired. Couldn’t sleep. Headache. Or: I slept last night. What a gift. The physical body enters the diary. Every event: something happy, something sad, affects the diary. Of course. But it’s wonderful to have a small, regulated space in which to express the mood, the thoughts, the fears.The writing Is easier. I notice the up and down-ness of each day. Maybe I’m tired. Couldn’t sleep. Headache. Or: I slept last night. What a gift. The physical body enters the diary. Every event: something happy, something sad, affects the diary. Of course. But it’s wonderful to have a small, regulated space in which to express the mood, the thoughts, the fears.

Zangmo: 

Knowing I am doing a diary entry sharpens my motivation to be aware and mindful throughout the day.

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Doing the diary entry supports my awareness practice. I remain more present to what is happening in my body, energy movement, thoughts, self grasping, emotions and when I am lost in conditioned story lines.

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Manifesting, doing while also in a timeless awareness, observing the interdependence, impermanence and emptiness of the dance of the creative process.

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8th November 2020

Making a diary entry each day

Is itself a mindfulness awareness discipline

Of opening a space

For presence, honesty

Cherishing the truth of my being

Here right now

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Usually I have no idea what

The art or writing will be

Until it is done.

Doing the diary entry is like

Entering a portal into being, presence

Mysterious.

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Somehow just presence, awareness

Without expression to seal it

Is less juicy, fruity.

By expressing this presence

Something enters this world

From somewhere else that is far more real than

The hasty fleeting adventures, conditioned games

That I cling to for want of anything else:

The self-made prison is exposed.

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12th November

This time second time

Around Mindweathersong

I see the Rushen art and Togal art, as Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche calls it.

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Meditate - art arising from confusion, grasping aversion

and

art arising from open, awareness

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I become clear about this

Both happening

Sometimes seen separately

Sometimes seen together

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I can paint my confusion, my dukka

And then it dissolves

Into open being presence

Here not here openness knowing not knowing dance

Then paint from that

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Like breathing in and out

Sometimes they are consecutive

Or maybe one breath

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13th November

Doing Mindweathersong 2 diary

Helps me stay more aware, present

During the day

Also connected with Geri, sharing

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17th November

Process is practice

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Geri: Every day I get up and know that there is a small activity that I will do. I love doing it and it’s not onerous, time-consuming, and I get to share with Zangmo! I usually meditate for a few minutes before doing the writing/drawing or painting. That sometimes suggests words or images. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad because I can sometimes come to the page with a plan and maybe I don’t want that. I’m not sure.

Geri:

I am rooting around for materials that work in a short space. Mostly I’m using Prismacolor markers, which have their advantages and disadvantages. Paint feels more substantial, dramatic. But is that the point? I’m thinking about painting backgrounds on my “pages” or gesso boards beforehand, and then working with the color as a base—just to deal with the white space, which can feel daunting.

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1. I am conscious of wanting my diary entries to look good, which, I know, is not the point.  But I do think that my experience with doing the diary has helped me to approach it with a clearer sense of how to handle each entry, and an increased sense of ease. 

2. I usually sit down with a phrase in my mind.  I’m more attuned to my daily feelings, the waves of up and down.  And I’m aware that I want the writing to integrate with the image.  I’m also more conscious of my artistic choices.  I’m freer with the paper I use, the media—water-mixable oil, water color, pen/markers.  So, in a way, my experience here is similar to my experience of painting and writing in general.  I have a sense of my resources.

3. My life has changed in the last nine days. During the earlier period, I had all day to think about the diary.  My time stretched before me.   Then my daughter, her husband, and their two children came from Philadelphia to my home in Vermont.  The children are two boys, aged seven and four.  I immediately gave myself over to the family: we go on walks each day, food preparation takes up a lot more time.  We are all continually constructing activities so that the kids don’t spend their days watching TV.  The four-year-old is very active, charming, demanding. The seven-year old is more self sufficient.  But their needs absorb a great deal of our attention.  So getting to the diary is strategic.  Fortunately, since it only takes five minutes, the diary is easy to fit in.  But I have to find that five minutes. 

4. I find myself responding to Zangmo’s posts, her ups and downs.   And I’m feeling more peaceful with our differences.  The “comparing mind,” as Buddhism calls it, is very busy, and noticing it without letting it trouble me is a continual process. 

5. Of course, the murder of George Floyd has changed all our lives and my consciousness.  The corona virus in Vermont seems somewhat less worrisome, and I am turning toward the urgency of confronting racism, raising my consciousness as a white person who needs to own up to my privilege and support the anti-racist movement that is taking deep hold in our country.  So my diary entries address the powerful day-to-day news. 

6.  In general, I love doing the diary. It keeps me attuned to my feelings, ensures that I pick up a pen and a brush every day.

7.  I am so grateful to be involved with Zangmo, whose expertise is much greater than my own. I’m watching a document grow, take shape, expand.  It makes me aware of the promise and flexibility of the internet, the pleasure of collaboration, and the daily joy of taking a few minutes to see what the theme of my day is shaping up to be.

8.  Thank you, Zangmo!! 

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November 16, 2020

1. I am becoming more self-conscious about my drawings.  This is encouraging me to abandon the standard medium I have used, which is colored pens and pencils.  That is a good thing.  The bad thing is that I have more invested in doing something that “looks good,” pleases me, seems like something an “artist” would do.    

2. As soon as I write that, some of the air goes out of it.  It’s okay. Maybe the rub of dissatisfaction will take me to a place that pleases me more.  Maybe this is the ugly period.  And maybe it needs to get uglier, less pleasing to me before it gets better.  Have to go through to get out.

3. In the meantime, I have ordered new art supplies—the obvious reason being to get better and have more fun and have the tools to respond to a different vision, one that arises from restlessness with where I am.  The vision is tied up with Zangmo, of course, but that’s okay too.

4. There is longing . . . for a self that quiets down . . . opens up space . . . permits one to look beyond the block of ego.   So it’s all practice.

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